Fall.

Having spent so much of my life in the educational system, fall always seems to be like the beginning and end of a year. Summer comes to a close. leaves curl up and die. The plants in the garden drop their fruit. Children return to school. I, too return to school. The crisp sunny days are my favorite kind of weather. I take stock. What has passed? Where am I? It is hard these days when people ask how I am, what I have been up to. How do I answer? The truth is generally not what people are looking for, so I smile and say "good, good" and try to escape before the conversation can go any further. and maybe they do want to know about the most recent miscarriage, about my unfulfilled desire to birth and mother a child, about how that dream seems further and further away, about my grief and how it has sucked the light, about all the ways I try to escape myself. Maybe they'd be interested, but do I want them to know? Do i want the world to see just how vulnerable I am? Whether I want people to know or not, it will not stay under wraps. It is constantly seeping through the dressings and spilling out the edges making messes I have no idea how to clean up after. As Cameron said the other day, there is just so much that is left untidy.