house wife

i do the grocery shopping and buy two magazines (one of them called Hip Mama- I put it back three times because i am not a mama, but then think when i am i will not have time to read this, and decide to buy it). When i get home, i hide them under the bed because i do not want my husband to know i have so frivolously wasted his hard earned money. i spend my days whittling away at my list of things to do, and find myself lost in our house. i hang the clothes on the line, take them down, fold them, and put them away. i fret that my husband will not like the meal i've made or the fact that the house is messy (we are always messy, and still i do not have the energy to make it truly neat). i feel during this time great empathy for the young house wives of the fifties who after marriage before children had only this. no wonder valium was so popular. i mop the floor, scrub the toilet, sweep the basement, weed the garden, harvest the beans, cucumbers, and squash. why am i not doing all the things i never have time for? preparing submissions, working on essays, crafting my heart out. i bake my first cherry pie- use local cherries from the farmer's market- decorate the top with pastry stars, and i feel proud.

the casino bus

"My daughter, she's a french professor, and she's not even nice. All that education, and she's not even nice. I hate her." Two women behind me chatted, and I eaves dropped as the elderly Asian gentlemen on my left had rejected all attempts at conversation.

Dressed in what I thought would pass for casino attire, I was the youngest person on the bus by a good twenty-five years.I had only been to casinos in Las Vegas, so the low cut black shirt and unkept hair only made a few men and a security card think i was a prostitute. I wasn't even wearing make-up, but then again, what would a young woman be doing hanging out at spirit mountain casino on Tuesday morning, not really gambling. Waiting for my friend to pick me up so I could visit her at the Sitka center, I was, but as the $5 round trip bus is only supposed to be for Casino patrons, i didn't want to openly admit this. As it was, her car blew up on the way to get me, so I was destined to spend my day there until the return bus left. Greyhound doesn't even service the Oregon coast. I ate a truly digusting hamburger that came with guacamole in a little plastic sealed packet produced by Avo-king International, Inc.

I climbed back on the bus and returned to my seat. I asked the same man "Did you win anything?"
"$200!" he replied, and turned his back to me.
"My kids worry that I'm spending all my money at the casino, but I'll never stop coming. Never!" The ladies resumed their conversation, as if we had never left the bus.
"I have two kids, and they are so different from one another"
"Tell me about it. I have four- two I have a good time with, and the other two I don't even love. When I had my fourth baby, the doctor said it was the most beautiful birth he had ever seen."
"Is that right?"
"I guess with four births in five years, that fourth one just slid right out."
"Wow, four in five years, that must have been hard on your body."
"It was hard on my boobs!"
"Oh, you did that, did you."
"They say it makes them healthier, and smarter. This was true for me. My kids were all well behaved, not like today. Once I was in a deprtment store, and my kids didn't make a peep- didn't touch anything, and later isaid you were so well-behaved, and they said because we know better. that was the biggest compliment to me, that they knew better."

I felt so sorry for the rwo she didn't love, but maybe they didn't love her either.

july 21

hot. our kitchen a hundred degrees hotter (at least). i did my errands by bike, made easier by the new bicycle map of portland that shows the safest route. many of these routes are marked by little white bicycles painted in the road that point the way and cute green signs that tell the miles and minutes between neighborhoods. The shopping list included:
worcester sauce
ketchup
beef broth
outside lights
pecans
butter
molasses
white flour
eggs
chocolate chips
bourbon
saphire gin
tonic water
achiote
queso fresco
yogurt
dill
bread
ice

in honor of cameron's birthday, he made ribs, complete with homemade BBQ sauce, and I made pecan pie. From the garden left by the previous tenants, I harvested all the cucumbers, which I pureed with fresh garlic, yogurt, and dillto make a lovely fresh dip. I harvested a spaghetti squash, which I served up baked with pesto. At Sarah's request I busted out some llampinganchos, Ecuadorian potato pancakes with cheese inside. The night was spent on the lawn eating and drinking with friends. We relished the act of hosting after spending so much time in the past year as guests.

Breitenbush 1

the willow droops down offering shelter from lingering sun. Swallows chase eacother collecting bugs, fighting, playing. The water courses over rocks in the distance, cool in contrast to this hot spring in which I soak. Yellow grasses bend, bouncing to the rythmn, cheering. The trees stretch into the horizon. Dragonly flit, hovers, then is gone.

Grasses cheer
dragonflies hover
trees stretch

Downtown Portland

I took myself on a date- favorite boots and earrings signaled a special evening. I met some myself for a cocktail. The restaraunt was sort of trendy, but in a more San Fernando Valley sort of way, and this feeling was confirmed when a red corvette blaring glam rock whizzed through the intersection. The girls inside sported blonde hair full of hairspray and trailed behind them a mass of black and white helium ballons. I ordered a cosmopolitan and a beet salad. I felt like I was a traiter on the other side, as the servers all lookes like my friends, and the people coming and going did not. i decided i was being a spy. So portland is not just hipsters. The food was delectable, and I began my walk towards the movie theatre down NW 12th st, passing an array of restaraunts with sidewalk seating, some quite beckoning. Arriving at the mall with time to kill, I decided to get a treat, and opted for what I try to abstain from, Starbucks. the twenty something workers liked my shoes amd both the girl and the guy were shamelessly flirting with me, upsizing my drink for free and givning me extra whip cream. I enjoyed it, and then felt funny because a)I am too old to flirt with twenty year olds, b) I'm married c) i realized they were completely incognicent of both of these things, and that made me fel dishonest. Besides, she was obviously dissappointed that I was going to see "The Devil Wears Prada," but some of us have to stay loyal to Meryl Streep.

Independence Day in the Great Northwest

You can't escape the people, so you may as well join them. Five hours of preparation, including a trip to the Walmart, finally led us to the Sandy River where we floated, tied to the cooler. Sometimes, the water was deep enough to let our legs down and kick through cold blue green, other times we walked through sand or held up our arses so as not to ground on the rocks. It got colder and our group sadly dwindled, but Miss V. and I made it to the Troutdale Bridge and back to Portland for the tale end of a barbeque. She held her fist high yelling “freedom” as our posse of bikes (led by a three year old in a bike trailer) barreled down the street. “Freedom lovers, to the left!” one commanded, and we veered, arriving just in time to watch the Fireworks burst over the Willamette. The night ended in The Reel 'em Inn with a 28 year old kid named Cisco harassing me about bittorrent and asking me if I wanted to do some virtual trading of old Jerry Garcia Band shows. I had to wonder if he is indicative of the people I will be living with here in my new town.